When the waiter mentioned it, I had to try it, despite the totally outrageous price of $21. I’ll complain about the price more later, but first, let’s talk about hamburgers. The most important ingredient of hamburgers is the meat, no question. Sure the bun is critical and all, but without the meat you’re really eating a lettuce and tomato sandwich. What better place to order a fancy-meatburger than at a steakhouse, right? This was how I talked myself into spending $21 for a hamburger, or as they call it a “prime cheeseburger.” It comes with a gigantic side of fries, a few fried onions on top, cheese of your choice and the usually burger-toppin’ veggies. As you will see from the pictures below, the burger is gigantic too. I was afraid I’d be humiliated in front of all the suits, but thank god, the bun and toppings compress down nicely and it can be eaten as a normal burger (for me at least, you millage may vary).

All kvetching aside, the hamburger was fantastic. What their secret meat-blend does is make the burger kind of mushy, but keeps the flavor up. It’s a strange first few bites where you expect it to be a bit chewy, and then it just gives way. (I think we can all agree there’s something singularly revolting about overcooked hamburgers that turn grey and you have to chew and chew and chew). Bite after bite, it just gives way, like it’s totally happy to be eaten. The flavor was fantastic, the bun held up wonderfully, absorbing all the juices that flowed.

It’s a fantastic hamburger, if you can tolerate the business crowd.

Fries anyone?

It’s huge.

I’m not sure if all Five Guys’ are like this, but the one I went to was an insane assembly line operation that looked something like this: register, deep fryers, grills, salting station, burger assembly, pickup. I ordered and before I could even walk to the other end, I saw my receipt pop up at the assembly station and get prepped. Damn, that’s operational excellence.

Five Guys trumpets the fact that they use peanut oil to fry their fries, as if that makes a difference. They have specialty branded bags of potatoes by the door, all dressed up in white and red corporate. I guess all this helps alleviate the guilt people have when they indulge. Which all seems kind of silly, because the fries are pretty damn good. The burger you ask, the burger! It was good too. One of the other things with five guys is that everyone gets two patties, all the toppings you want, and a huge serving of fries. Yeah, that’s why everyone looks sheepish to mention it, you get calories for the week.

I went a little overboard on the free toppings, stopping just green peppers short of ‘everything’ (they have a cute name for it, but I forget). The cheeseburger I got was an insane monstrosity (look below!). It fell apart while I was eating it. It was also pretty tasty. Totally greasy and a little disgusting, but pretty damn tasty. The jalapenos and swiss I got on mine made it pretty spicy and meaty, just like I love.

Just like they talk up their ‘fresh’ fries, they also talk up their fresh burgers. Sure, you can see them grill the burgers right behind the assembly line, so in that sense they’re fresh. But they still look and mostly taste like regular TGIF-applebees-chillis beef patties. Maybe a smidgen better (or is that how good their marketing is?).

Sure I’d go back eventually, but next time I’d sheepishly test my meal-mates to see if they’re ready for the coma and general kind of nasty feeling you’re left with.

Average ingredients, average strategy: not bad, not great

Presented in dreamy five-guys-o-vision

I have no idea what the name means. Maybe you’re supposed to stand up when you eat? Why bother with the seats then? Was “Sit” taken? Maybe it’s their screenname and Stand1 through Stand3 were already taken? It feels like they knew they were opening a boring burger joint and tried to spruce it up with a super-modern name.

Cynicism aside their menu is obviously loaded with protein: lots of beef patties, cheese, bacon and eggs piled onto buns ranging from $5 to $15. I was starving (hungover) and went all the way by ordering the big kahuna: “Bold Burger”: Brioche, two 7 oz. beef patties, applewood smoked bacon, sauteed onions, American and cheddar cheese, pickle, tomato, chipotle sauce, fried egg for $15.

The server said they only serve it well-done because otherwise it falls apart, gross. It’s so big you can’t get your mouth around it and, come on, you can’t eat a big ass burger like that by taking little pansy bites off the bottom! Regretfully, I put it down and used a knife and fork, truly a sad fate for a hamburger. The bun was pleasantly soft but the beef was grossly over-cooked. The cheese and bacon were tasteless and added a little texture to mix up the chewy ground beef. I realized as I was stuffing bite after bite of over-cooked beef patty and cheese into my face that it’s never a good idea to see ground meat. Sausages and hamburgers should always be shrouded in bun, without it they just look gross all mealy and grey! Aside from the obvious food-coma, the burger was pretty bland.

My friend got the more traditional “Bacon & Egg Cheeseburger”: Beef, crispy applewood smoked bacon, cheddar, hard-boiled egg mayo for $12. He says that the best part about it was that the fillings didn’t fall off the bun. It doesn’t get much more boring than that, not even a word about the taste. Not good Stand4, not good.

I wouldn’t go back except maybe to actually stand up and have a beer.

Poor execution really kills them here:

I know I asked for it, but look at that:

It’s absurd:

How petite by comparison:

Let’s savor the irony for a moment: a Korean hot dog chain named “New York Hot Dogs” opens in Korea offering New York-style dogs, does well, and finally opens a branch in New York and serves Korean-style hamburgers. Is it opposite day?! Do people always want what they don’t know? I’m lost. Enough cultural confusion, back to the sandwiches; I tried both the kimchi-bulgogi hamburger (free, usually $5) and the bulgogi hot dog ($6). Both were good, but the hamburger was fantastically spicy thanks to the kimchi. I love bulgogi as much as the next, but on top of a hot dog it was just savory meat overload. It was so heavy and meaty I could barely finish it (also I had just eaten the hamburger). The hamburger, by contrast, was fantastically cooked to medium-rare, topped with all kinds of delicious sauces and had an intriguing spicy, meaty, cabbage taste. It was wonderful and is quite a bargain for $5.

Go forth and savor the kimchi-burger!

Decently prepared ingredients and a slightly complex than usual:

Fresh Burger. I have no idea why they mix in regular lettuce or cabbage with the kimchi:

Bitten Burger:

Hotdog, boxed:

Meat overload:

The rice burger’s patty is made up of rice mixed with some kind of teriyaki sauce, which is formed and grilled to resemble the familiar burger shape. It’s served with the usual suspects – lettuce, tomato, onion, pickles – and some less-usual wasabi cream and soy sauce. So what’s it taste like? Well, like slightly spicy rice on a bun. The flavor is subtle, and the texture gets too mushy toward the end (not to mention the inherent weirdness of carbs on carbs), but the cheese does a good job of bringing the whole thing together, and as an unusual departure from your everyday sandwich, it’s not a terrible option.

Looks almost normal…

That is some well-grilled rice.

Where do I begin? You’ve gotten so popular these days. Well, you and your twin brother, Pork Belly. Why does he get all the fancy gigs? It seems like every upscale joint in town is dropping him on the menu. Why does he get all the fame? I know it upsets you so, but don’t worry, don’t listen to them. everyone with an ounce of fiscal responsibility knows you are the better Pork. We know you’ve been here all along. You’ve been with us through thick and thin and you’ve never caused trouble. You just stay there, looking pretty, tempting dieters and making everyone smile. I don’t understand why anyone would pay such high prices at such fancy restaurants, when you are so inexplicably delicious. Hell, you even come pre-sliced, in little packages at every grocery store? You can’t say that for Pork Belly! Sure, your brother has a whole inch or two of glistening, delicious fat, but you’ve got some too! You’re no diet food! Don’t get down on yourself, just because he’s getting all the attention. In fact, you have enough fat, that it can be saved and used to bring your rich delicious flavor to other less-impressive meats!

But I’m getting sidetracked. This letter really isn’t about you and your brother. It’s not really about people wasting their money in the midst of what is being called the worst economic climate since the great depression. It’s really about you, bacon.

You play so nicely with a little lettuce and tomato. You compliment eggs and toast. You make salads and soups edible. Hell, you make angels trumpet all by yourself. Bacon, you are welcome in my sandwich any time. Seriously, no matter what happens in this crazy world, you can always count on us.

What I’m really trying to say is: bacon, we love you.

Thanks for visiting. See you soon.

Love,
Simply Sandwiches

PS – Actually, we love your brother too, don’t be jealous.

Bacon Lettuce and Tomato:
- bacon, baked until crispy
- red-leaf lettuce, washed and cut in to bread-sized pieces
- tomato, sliced thin
- white bread, sliced and optionally toasted
- mayonnaise
- mustard

For each sandwich: Mustard and mayo a piece of toast. Top with 3 slices of bacon (folded in half), lettuce, 2 slices of tomato and the other piece of toast. Ascend to heaven. Repeat.

It almost looks small from this angle:

Then Again, maybe not:

Definitely not:

Because when you have extra bacon and left-over bacon fat, what else are you going to do but make burgers?

What might seem very un-gourmet coming from the Danny Meyer ownedUnion Square Hospitality Group (USHG) is a tasty sandwich that tests everyone’s jaw-dislocating ability. It’s not a hamburger is the UBERBURGER. It sings a song that goes something like this: bun, burger patty, cheese, deep fried cheese filled portabella mushroom, burger patty, cheese, lettuce, tomato, (mustard), bun.  See, it really is the uberburger. Try to order it that way! Say, “one uberburger please.”

The burger is overwhelming. It’s a test. It’s an experiment in hyperbole. It’s delicious. I’d order it again in a heartbeat. Naturally, if you’re not that hungry or are under 5’5″, you probably should stick to a regular (or double) burger. It’s also a good idea to clear your calendar for an hour or two afterward, eating that much meat and cheese induced a class 3 food coma (difficulty keeping ones eyes open, general feeling of warmth and contentment, sluggish verbal response). The burger’s here aren’t as chic as they could be and they’re not the best in the area, but the experience of ordering from a stand and sitting in the park in a safe cocoon of calm is like no other.

The love for shake shack is so big, last year someone started a user-contributed photostream of the line (apparently abandoned) at Shack Watchers.
12/2/200 8EDIT: Looks like Danny M. liked the idea so much, they put it into their website: Shake Shack NYC.

It looks puny from this height:

‘shroom Burger:

The Stack Unveiled:

It looks delicious from this height:

I have seen the face of an angel.

Where’s the meat?

There’s the meat!

Blurry but delicious.

Paul’s Palace is a cheap burger joint, with shtick, attitude and lots of encouraging signs on the walls that say things like “I HOPE YOU ARE HUNGRY.” These “aggro eating” places can be fun, but only if the food is delicious, otherwise it just comes off as dirty and cheap. Paul’s claim to fame is 1/2lb beef burgers, starting at just $4.05. I loaded mine up with pepper jack cheese and bacon (~$8.50). While the idea was great, the burger fell apart in my hands. The tiny mass-produced bun soaked in the burger grease and immediately liquefied. The patty itself was massive. Unfortunately, it had horrible consistency and tasted really mushy, easily falling to pieces. (Mushy patties make me wonder what happened to make it so mushy? Are they soaking them in water/oil to add weight?) When it fell apart it looked really revolting, all that mushy ground chuck covered stuck to pieces of iceberg.
Lessons:
Restaurants: Don’t let the eater ever see the inside of any ground meats, they are meant for private viewing only.
Eaters: Look away!

In the end, I stuck to my journalistic instincts and finished the beer and fries. I thought it would make me sick. Thank god it didn’t. Instead I felt like taking a nap for the next 4 hours. Not always a bad feeling. Go only if you’re ready to binge/nap and maybe throw up in your head when the massive soggy burger falls to pieces in your hands.

An aside: Our waitress was insane. Literally. At one point she stood on a table and did a little song and dance. There were only 3 seated tables, who dances for such a small audience and no tips?

Separate it doesn’t look that big:

Snakes can unhinge their jaw to swallow huge prey whole: