When the waiter mentioned it, I had to try it, despite the totally outrageous price of $21. I’ll complain about the price more later, but first, let’s talk about hamburgers. The most important ingredient of hamburgers is the meat, no question. Sure the bun is critical and all, but without the meat you’re really eating a lettuce and tomato sandwich. What better place to order a fancy-meatburger than at a steakhouse, right? This was how I talked myself into spending $21 for a hamburger, or as they call it a “prime cheeseburger.” It comes with a gigantic side of fries, a few fried onions on top, cheese of your choice and the usually burger-toppin’ veggies. As you will see from the pictures below, the burger is gigantic too. I was afraid I’d be humiliated in front of all the suits, but thank god, the bun and toppings compress down nicely and it can be eaten as a normal burger (for me at least, you millage may vary).

All kvetching aside, the hamburger was fantastic. What their secret meat-blend does is make the burger kind of mushy, but keeps the flavor up. It’s a strange first few bites where you expect it to be a bit chewy, and then it just gives way. (I think we can all agree there’s something singularly revolting about overcooked hamburgers that turn grey and you have to chew and chew and chew). Bite after bite, it just gives way, like it’s totally happy to be eaten. The flavor was fantastic, the bun held up wonderfully, absorbing all the juices that flowed.

It’s a fantastic hamburger, if you can tolerate the business crowd.

Fries anyone?

It’s huge.

What comes out of this tiny “deli” stall? Sandwiches of course! Sure they sell soup and chips and stuff but who cares. Shamas is all about sandwiches. I tried their ‘spicy turkey’ (which is really just “Cracked Pepper Mill Smoked Turkey Breast” from Boars Head) sandwich on a roll ($8) with hot peppers, cheese, mayo and some fixins. Yeah, you read that correctly, you order from the tiny stall and they still charge you $8! You aren’t even INSIDE when you order and they charge $8! It’s amazing what people will get away here. Aside from the horrible pricing, the sandwiches are tasty, a bit above par. The bread is nice and soft and the ingredients are fresh. The sandwich’s on the menu are a bit boring and there’s not much to challenge your taste buds, but if you’re looking for something dependable, it’s a good decision.

The ‘deli’:

“Spicy Turkey”:

Pastrami:

Here’s their pitch: fried chicken is delicious; even better with delicious sauces. Okay, that’s how I describe it, I have no idea what their pitch is. It says “Glatt Kosher” where the pitch should be. Maybe it’s something like “Jews love chicken!”? Regardless, it seems like a winner, after all, let’s not be dividers: everyone loves fried chicken! Aside from the kosher-tax-inflated prices, it was very tasty. I tried the Spanish Schnitzel sandwich ($10) which is their lingo for chicken that’s pounded flat, breaded with spicy peppers, deep fried and put into baguette sandwich. I got mine with a side of spicy sauce, though it was more mayo-y than spicy. All together, the sandwich was delicious. The chicken wasn’t overpowering, wasn’t greasy and the other ingredients tasted pretty good (like sauteed onions and pickles) together.

My mind wasn’t blown, but I’d go back. If only the prices were a few bucks cheaper.

Where were we? Oh right, at Shorty’s! I tried their “Shorty’s Classic” ($10 for a whole, $7 for a Shorty): grilled tomatoes, Italian seasoning, oregano, provolone and steak. The bread was fresh and fantastic: a little mushy and a little crusty to keep all that grease contained. The sandwich was cheesy and very salty from the Italian seasoning. Unfortunately among all that seasoning the actual steak wasn’t too flavorful and the provolone was hard to taste. I had fun eating it and would return if I had a craving near by, but it’s not worth much of a journey. Maybe their regular steak has more of that greasy punch that just takes me away? I’m going to test drive the regular wiz wit’ later this week and see how it measures up to the big boys.

Update, 9.27.09: I went back and had the sandwich I should’ve gotten the first time: the regular cheesesteak with wiz and mushrooms ($10). It was a whole different experience. Where the “Shorty’s Classic” was too salty and not cheesy enough, the regular cheese steak was fantastic: gooey, steaky, cheesy with just a hint of onions and mushrooms. It was nearly perfect. This is what I was expecting an uptown competitor to Wogies! It’s a little sad to see a place that serves such a good steak sandwich dumb it down by going ‘upmarket’ and taking all the flavor out. When you come to Shorty’s, do me a favor, don’t read the menu. Stick with what you know: wiz ‘wit is all you need to try.

In this case, the lower strategy is better, KISS I suppose:

The classic freshly unwrapped:

Melty classic:

This sandwich planet isn’t quite what I’d been dreaming of. Instead it seems more like a sandwich factory or a sandwich emporium. Now, I’ve never even been to this sandwich planet, but I have a pretty good idea how it works. When you order online, you pick what you want in your ‘wich from a dizzying list of meats, veggies, breads and sauces. The order shoots out of a printer and the line-cooks assemble from the dizzying buckets of prepped ingredients. It gets wrapped and biked over to your office, where you chow down. Sandwich efficiency, I say!

The sandwiches were okay. I’m always perplexed and confused by these DIY-schemes: if they’re running a sandwich planet, don’t they know what ingredients go well together? Customers ain’t chefs. I tried to make a spin on the classic russian roast beef: roast beef on rye with mustard, lettuce, russian dressing, slaw and jalapeno slices. I ordered it with onions, but they must’ve be blasted into space by a vengeful AI. All these ingredients for $8.75, which seems like a deal.

Clearly, I ordered too many items; I got greedy. When each item is just a line on the screen it’s so easy to order too much. Veggies were decent, the roast beef was way too stringy. After each bite I had to pull it out of my mouth with my hands because I couldn’t bite through. Yuck. I’m glad there were no mirrors or I might’ve stopped eating. The sandwich wasn’t bad, just boring and unexceptional. I’m not sure if that’s my fault or theirs, but I’m not itching to return.

Plotted based on my sandwich, though strategy and cost can vary as you make a more and more complicated sandwich:

Neatly packaged:

Unpackaged:

Food-porn:

At Lazzaras the pizza is good, but who really cares — pizza is so passe. This sandwich is amazing. It’s warm and soft, crunchy and chewy, filling and really, really filling. It’s deep-fried squid parts, coated with marinara sauce and melted mozzarella cheese, served in an Italian roll for $10. What could be better? If you can manage to eat both halves, you are rewarded with a level-10 food coma, all the better to help numb the pain of more office meetings. “What’s that? You’re eliminating my position? Thanks to my fried-squid-sandwich-induced stupor, I’m not even mad. I just need a few hours to rest and I’ll grab another sandwich…”

Some have said it needs more marinara, I say it’s nearly perfect and shouldn’t be criticized. Go eat the squid!

It looks unassuming enough:

Thar she blows:

Anyone have a bib?